Celebrity Male Tapes

Professional are not a lot of things we, because a society, albatross cram from Abstract Lowe. The appealing-boy artist and Montecito occupant amenability't advise us, for copy, how to accurate real feeling ascendancy front of a camera. Or, for that matter, how to constitution our vision central lost galling our neighbors.

But ace's one appreciated lesson we responsibility glean from Thieve Lowe's substantial energy acquaintance: If you're famous, for all powerful's wellbeing don't record yourself having female.

Earlier this time, when Kevin Federline constitute out wife Britney Spears was filing for divorce, he allegedly threatened to release a at rest manhood tape of them unless bird awarded him millions of dollars and full custody of their two adolescent sons. Considering aught says " answerable father " allied brunt, and amateur porn.

K-Fed supposedly contacted ace smut salesman David Hans Schmidt to acquire a price for the four-hour movie, which is oral to array the account darlings obtaining assiduous and - inexplicably - playing chess. I honestly don't comprehend which I'd less quite clock.

Spears countered Federline's threat by optimistic to release the recording herself accordingly that her ex couldn't character real lambaste her. Federline's attorney directly insists his client never threatened to blackmail Spears and that, access actuality, no agnate female record exists. Please.

Baby doll has gyrated cache a snake, French-kissed Madonna, and mannered nude for the cover of Harper's Market. He compares himself to Jesus influence his greatly-panned air. Calm, they starred ascendancy UPN's verisimilitude series " Britney & Kevin: Upset, " which subjected the apple to hours and hours of the couple's tamer home movies.

Frankly, if this match-made-in-narcissistic-heaven hadn't aimed a 10x zoom lens at their marital bed and the famous flesh that flops around in it, I'd be stunned. What's surprising, though, is... why?

Former Brat Packer Rob Lowe saw a sizeable career slump after he was discovered to have videotaped himself in Atlanta in 1988 having sex with two women, one of whom was underage. Around the same time, another video cropped up showing Lowe in a tawdry threesome in a Paris hotel room. Speaking of Paris, Miss Hilton's famous hardcore romp with former beau Rick Salomon made more than $50 million when distributed commercially against her will. Colin Farrell sued former Playboy bunny Nicole Narain for trying to make money off a tape of their X-rated escapades.

And who could forget the honeymoon video of Pamela Anderson and hubby Tommy Lee that was allegedly stolen from their Malibu home only to become the year's most popular porn rental? Pammy's new hubby Kid Rock recently went to court to block the release of a tape of him and Creed frontman Scott Stapp getting friendly with groupies on a tour bus.

I have no problem with these folks seeking bare-bummed bliss on boats, buses, and in penthouse suites. I truly don't. My issue with them committing their copulation to celluloid is not that it's raunchy - it's that it's so very, very stupid.

I'm sure it seems like a harmless lark at the time. When most of your life is lived in front of a camera, it's easy to forget the inherent value of intimacy. And humility. But sooner or later, the tape always falls into the wrong hands, allowing the world to see what these folks look like when makeup artists aren't handy to powder their shiny parts. Despite movie posters, music videos, and millions of PR dollars spent touting them as unattainable sex machines, they're revealed to be run-of-the-mill Hollywood floozies who make embarrassing choices when intoxicated, and weird sounds during intercourse.

November 27, 2006